Listen.
Give someone room to speak in their own words. Ask what is happening before offering an explanation. Sometimes the kindest response is a question; sometimes it is quiet company.
Spiritual friendship
Buddha meeting Buddha.
The Unborn Buddha-mind is already present in each of us. Friendship is one way we help one another live from it.
Meeting as equals
The same mind, on both sides of the table.
Bankei taught that everyone receives the Unborn Buddha-mind at birth. This includes you, and the person sitting across from you. Here, spiritual friendship begins with that equality: each of us can recognize the Unborn, learn, and help another person.
Having this original mind leaves us with a life to live from it. We can still become caught in anger, pride, or fear. A friend can help us notice, speak honestly, apologize, and begin again. Both people can give care and receive it.
Bankei’s Zen Sermons · translated by Norman Waddell, §§1, 4–6In ordinary life
Friendship you can offer today.
Be there.
Make tea. Sit together. Keep someone company through grief or help with an ordinary task. Trust grows through keeping confidences, respecting a person’s choices, and being dependable.
Share what helps.
Read a passage from Bankei together when a friend is interested. Talk about what you recognize in your own lives. Leave room for questions, disagreement, and saying “I don’t know.”
An open invitation
Begin with the people in your life.
There is nothing to buy or wear. You do not need ordination or a religious title to offer this friendship, and neither person has to consider themselves Buddhist.
Offer the time and attention you can give, and leave the other person free to accept or decline. A conversation over a kitchen table can carry Bankei’s teaching to someone who would never enter a temple. Anyone can pass the invitation on.
“If you want to talk, I’m willing to listen.”